Unabridged:Conquering the Giants and Demons in my life while preparing for the big(4-0)

I enjoyed this scene;and yet my enjoyments was embittered both by the memory of the past,and the anticipations of the future.I was formed for peaceful happiness. During my youthful days discontent never visited my mind; and if I was ever overcome by ennui, the sight of what was beautiful in nature, or the study of what is excellent and sublime in the productions of man, could always interest my heart, and communicate elasticity to my spirits…” —Excerpt from Mary Shelley’s  Frankenstein

I traced the thoughts a thousand times in my mind “Conquering the giants and demons in my life while preparing for the big (4-0)”Over the years I have associated turning forty as the start of new beginnings, new friendships,new journeys ,and new memories with people who inspire, motivate ,and uplift the birthday girl to have a more fulfilling and richer life. Even today, I continue to think of turning forty as a day to be celebrated and commemorated. Egregiously,with only a few weeks away from turning thirty-nine,I have already began to prepare for my fortieth birthday. Since the days I used to work at Burdines and buy the barely there stockings, I have fantasized about my fortieth birthday. For some women the thought of turning forty creates fear and,depression,while for other thought the of turning forty creates warmth,euphoria,and excitement. As a young adult and well into my late twenties,I often envision turning forty as the peak of an older woman’s life. In fact,I have often envision and associated turning forty with images from movies like the “First Wives Clubs”featuring Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, and Diane Keaton and“Waiting to Exhale” featuring Whitney Houston ,Angela Bassett,Lela Rochon, and Loretta Devine or with other famous actress and entertainers such as Tina Turner, Cher, Madonna,Janet Jackson,Sophia Lauren, and Suzanne Summers. Veritably, I have experienced all the emotions associated with the aging process. At the age of thirty-five,I once again became more aware of my age than at other time during life with exception of graduating from college at twenty-seven. From 1997 to 2010,I’ve experienced and encountered numerous obstacles and blows in my professional and personal life. Despite the hurdles, the detours and roadblocks, I did not question God or once think “Why me “ or regret my living,I saw my struggle, my pain as a paved road as well as a pathway to a greater blessing and a higher calling. As Paul stated at Corinthian ”counted all joy,when you fall into diver circumstances and temptations…”In the end , I have learned ,discovered and found, it’s all of the precious moments of life , the joy, the pain ,the laughter, the clouds,the rain ,the sunshine,the doubts, the cussing and the fussing ;it’s the sum total of life that makes one appreciate all that life has to offer and draws you closer to your God Driven purpose. Unequivocally,without the rain,it would be hard to fully appreciate the sunshine, I often quote an anonymous quote that states “I can be happy for the clouds, the rain, and the sunshine for with out both neither would have meaning” Certainly, perpetual rain would cause a flood and perpetual sunshine would cause a drought,as I approach the age of turning forty, I seek to live my God Driven purpose with a little less struggle and to pass the torch to a younger generation to ” Keep the Dream Alive” . I know struggle serves it’s purpose but I do not believe it’s the will of Elohim that I or any person remain in perpetual struggle. At the same time during my personal struggle and crisis, I have observed that within the past the ten years, the American people have experienced several major crisis such as natural disasters,terrorist attacks,and economic turmoil. Indeed, each of these crisis reminds us of our vulnerability; furthermore, it reminds us that we are not immune to natural disaster or terrorist attacks. Moreover,it also has shown our resilience to recovery and learn from our mistakes as well as to move forward  with the advance in technology to prognosticate future disasters and terrorist attack. While preparing for my fortieth birthday, I was forced to confront the giants and demons in my life. We all have demons ,it just for some of us they are kept in a closet,and for others they are placed  on a bookshelf. Whether a person admits they have demons, it a personal choice, nonetheless,demons exist whether we admit it or not. Today, in modern times,there are several different types of demons that exist in this world , I am not expert on demonology; although, over the years I have learned from my teachers,mentors,and parents some of the most common demons known to man; for example , drug addiction,sex addiction, alcohol addiction ,gay and lesbian lifestyle. Of course,trends have changed throughout the years,what’s was a demon or taboo, 10,20,30 years ago now has become a popular trend and acceptable way of life even taught in public schools as an Alternative lifestyle.Envision, how different public school would be if they also taught Barbie math, and a Barbie lifestyle in addition to creating a Barbie curriculum, so now even public schools have demons more than parents teachers , and students want to admit .Public schools have become a playground for demons to roam freely,they enter schools because they know the ten commandments are no longer displayed on the walls,and that prayer has all but been banned  from schools except for moments of silence. Egregiously, there are students who refuse to state the pledge alliance because it goes against their religion. 10,20,30 years later public schools have become a safe haven for demons. 10,20,30 years later, after I have graduated from  high school and college,I continue to battle demons that have haunted me for 10,20,&30 years until I finally choose to confront them before I turned forty. To fully grasp and understand my life adversity, I posed the question  several questions  that I kept in my conscious while multitasking and gathering my thoughts to write this blog. Eventually, the answer s to each of the questions would reveal themselves over the weeks . A few of the questions  I kept in conscious  dealt mainly with my personal progress and achievement, such as “Whats preventing me from reaching my God Driven Purpose” ,in other words, ‘What’s interfering what my attain success in all area of my life”and not only that”What part of self was stopping me achieving my goals and what reasons do I have for not to move beyond status most importantly are the reason valid and not excuses ?”  “what are the giants and demons that I face today?”Incontrovertibly,conquering the giants and demons in my life not has not been an easy task. In my life I have view the giants as people or organizations that hold high positions in society. Whereas, I have viewed  demons to be supernatural beings known to have special powers and often associated with forces of darkness. It has been almost a month since I began to tackle this blog with reservation and having some hesitation in to revealing parts of my personal life on the internet for others to read, I grew complacent and became despondent each time I began to think about the giants and demons in my life. As I stated in previous blogs “ from infancy to adolescence I could not have predicted the put come of youth…” Unequivocally,I could have easily become susceptible to crime ,drugs, lewd and lascivious behavior. Caring teachers,a praying grandmother, and a winning attitude help me to avoid many of the pitfalls of youthfulness. Certainly,during my pre-adolescence and adolescence years, I didn’t know if was I going to college and definitely didn’t know if I would graduate or even if I would have a job after college. As matter of fact,the only thing I knew and had to believe in was “you can catch more flies with sugar and honey than with salt and lemon” in addition to minding my manners and saying “yes sir, no sir, yes madam and no madam” to every adult or older person. Of course,the inspirational and motivational words from my grandmother often conciliated me during my pre-adolescence and adolescence years as well as help to eschew recalcitrant and obstinate behavior. Even today, I often remember the words of my grandmother stern yet simply stating “hardworking is rewarding and crime doesn’t pay”. 10,20,30 years later, I’ve graduated from high school and from college,I have worked several jobs ,started a new career but I have not acquired my own home , I have not kept a checking account open for more than five years, or,gotten married,or had children. Although, I did not attend my 10 year or 20 year high school reunion I am able to keep in touch with classmate via Face book. Within the last ten years the American way of life has been threatened with wars and an unstable economy, a number of natural disasters and terrorist attacks ,I like many American have witnessed the devastation on television and first hand. From hurricanes to wars in the gulf and overseas, I along with many other Americans began feel the uncertainty of the economy as well as the job market,especially in 2008. Admittedly, I began to experience economic turmoil in 2000 after resigning from teaching job. In fact,after graduating college,I did not have a job line up and those who attended my graduation immediately speculated that I would go into teaching, instead, I returned to my hometown sought employment at the mall where I worked during the summer months and holidays on the days I was not in school. While in high school I didn’t have a car or credit cards, I knew of HIV and Aids,I even took a CPR course through my health class,still, it would be years later before I would find out how many people in my community was impacted and directly affected by the disease.10 ,20,30 years later the cure for Aids has been not found and HIV and Aids continues to ravage third world countries. At the same time,HIV and Aids continues to affect mainly blacks and Hispanic in the United States. No longer a death sentence, researchers and scientist has developed new drugs to assist in prolonging life;whereas,cancer researcher has furthered advanced with new drugs being introduced to help eradicate the disease.10,20,30 years, I face some of the same problems and issues but with a little more information than in my youth. At any rate ,I work extremely hard probably twice as hard as the average person to keep my head above water ,I often hear naysayers and onlookers calling me names”why she got make it so hard on herself” but I continue to work hard I and restate my personal affirmation “if  my work will lessen than pain and brighten way of fellow traveler than my work is not in vain” I taught bible school to small children, I read the bible from  front to back,I know the story of Job like I know the back of my hand, I know what it means to fellowship and I know what it means to not sit in the seat of scorner,to not covet,and I believe prayer workers. At thirty-five ,I found myself at a crossroad,at 36 I was standing in the middle of an intersection,at 37 I was left on the side of the road presumed dead, today,at 38 I am standing in ditch with water at my knees but Praise the Lord it’s not at my head because I am not swimmer it just stagnant water left over from a flood. Hallelujah, I can still twist from side to side and feel the ground under my feet. At 39 , I m waiting for Jesus to show up and open the bars to jail cell just as he did for Paul to Saul on the road to Damascus. In the words of Les Brown “if I can look up, then I can get up” in the words of my grandmother I am going to “ hold on to God’s immutable hand” After weeks of retrospection , I was finally able to identify four major demons  and giants in my life (1) home ownership (2) personal debt (3) secured credit and (4) Continuing Education .At the age of twenty-seven ,I graduated from Florida A& M University with Associate of Arts and Bachelor of Art degree in English with a minor in Secondary Ed. In spite of all my accomplishments, the demons and giants in my life remain as a reminder that I am not a truly successful until I have conquered each demonnthat continues to haunt and make my success look like failure. Recently, I was forced to confront one my giants and demons with letter from debt collection agency. The letter from the debt collection agency was enclosed inside a white envelope,I open the envelope and it stated “Warrant of Debt” then a few days later a police officer from the sheriff’s office attached another letter on to the front door of my place residency with a rubber band ,it was a duplicate letter from the a Newport News Court House with the words typed in black ink “Warrant of Debt”….Well, I got a court date, every time I look around I keep getting blessed,blessed at the crossroads,blessed at the side of the road, blessed in the ditch, and blessed in the city. Another personla affirmation“I’m more than conqueror through Jesus Chris, with Jesus Chris all things are made possible.” Another blessing in my mess, today, exactly,at 9;15 , I walked outside of my place of residency as the sun had already began  to beat down on the pavement, as walked to my destination a man on bicycle stopped to let me pass by on the narrow sidewalk, as I walk passed the man on the bicycle he asked if I would like to sit on the handle bars and then laughed.  Slightly irritated from the weight of my books and notes I called him a an inappropriate name as rode his bicycle in the other direction. Immediatetly, I realized I m either head in the wrong direction or preparing for a jail sentence this was not the attitude my grandmother worked so hard to  instilled in the cells of my body and mind. In a previous blog, I stated  to readers that ultimately if you don’t  choose a plan for  your life  someone else will like a police officer,a lawyer, or even a  judge,well , I am at that point, a single multicultural black female with no kids  two degrees from accredited colleges  and from all person appearance I have a  future with only one exception the demons of 10,20,30 years that continue to haunt me because my skin wasnt thick enough and somewhere between the school-house and the church pulpit I strayed from my God driven Purpose  to be  here in the state of Virginia  with only a few weeks, even days ,when your entire future and life remains in the hands of an unsuspecting stranger,yes, I am college educated but that doesn’t stop me from being human or make me perfect;however,what it does, the one thing I despise it keeps me tied to my past . From 1997-2010, I have not had any major run in with the law until l I aggravatedly assaulted by landlord in 2005 on my 35 th birthday,in previous years I have not sold drugs,committed grand theft, or acts of deviant behavior such as intravenous drugs use or sleeping with women ,or having numerous sex parts to ease the pain of  the demands of life often require of us to reach our highest potential . I certainly don’t feel a sense of entitlement as if the world owes me something, actually ,I frowned upon this typed of arrogance  or zealousness in past years. What I do believe in is that hardworking can be rewarding,I believe in an honest days work for pay, and I believe that the laws govern our country were establish to protect the people. Lastly I believe in a winning attitude and calling someone a “bitch” or threating to cut my clitoris and put it in plastic  bag and hand  it to the judge as final desperate attempt to say 10,20,30 years ago , I want to be teacher ,to have children and to get marry was some of  my most cherised dreams ,today its just Lord keep out of the Virginia State prison, provide me with home and some food on the table. A winning attitude,an attitude that gets the job done and have people alling you back for an encore , a winning attitude inspite of the darkness and gloom,a winining attitude even among  Giant and Demons. As I continue to work on my winning attitude before my court  date,I have gathered up another round  of books to keep me busy and help brush up on my writing skills ,currently, I  selected the follow ing books to read from now until September, Following Polly, Pray for Silence,Captive Queen,Star Island,72 Hour Hold,The Sharing Knife,and Stephen Kings “The Cell” 

The Impossible Dream

Climb every mountain ,ford every stream, follow every rainbow til you find your dream”

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To dream the unachievable

To bear with unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

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